Saturday, May 14, 2016

one hundred days and counting

if you had told me at the outset of winter that i could go a hundred days without visiting her blogs or social media sites i would have assumed that the only way that would be possible is if i were dead.

but i am not dead. i dont feel all that interested in living, and though i continue to exist i do feel that this world is finished with me and i am (almost) finished with it. but as of this writing i am not dead. perhaps this resignation that i have failed at the experiment called life and the acceptance that further efforts to change or "improve" said life would only make things much worse explains (at least on some level) why i am able to resist and on most days not even feel the temptation to view her pages and pics.

it was easy at the start. on the night of eighteen december i was on her tumbuler reading posts about her imminent graduation from that evangelical christian school whose name sounds like an infectious disease (no its not oral roberts) when i realized it was happening that day. and once i accounted for the three hours time difference it dawned on me that she was posting about it in real time. and there was a webcast of the ceremony on her school's website.

admittedly i was much too excited about the prospect of watching her walk down what she called the second most important aisle of her life (though she typed "isle" and i chuckled - might wnat to hold back that diploma untill the girl lurns how to spell. hahaha.)

knowing how much she had overcome and how difficult her college years had been, and knowing her bubbly goofball personality i couldn't wait to see the excitement emoji on her oval-shaped face the moment she received her diploma. would she shimmy on the stage or raise her arms in triumph, or would she trip on the stairs like my other favorite girl in the whole wide world?

as i watched the procession of young americans i became aware of the information along the side of the screen. the graduates were not being called in order of last name. they were being called by their major. and i missed hers. 

fuck. i missed hers. fuck. i fucking missed hers. fucking mother fuck. 

this was not the sort of thing that i would ever get to see again - unless i wanted to cough up 24.95 for the DVD just to see some girl i've never met walk up on stage and maybe smile or something, and then walk off camera with her diploma and the whole thing would have been like fifteen seconds, tops. and i actually contemplated it for like fifteen seconds, or about sixteen seconds longer than i should have.

and that's when i realized i need to get a hold of my life.

it had sort of become a personal and somewhat bizarre tradition of mine to binge-read posts from my crush whilst wrapping christmas gifts but by twenty-two december i had decided to quite crushing altogether as a new year's resolution and the graduation day miss gave me a running start. i read a few posts about her post-grad plans, which included spending christmas with her boyfriend in the seattle area and i figured that would be enough to keep me away until at least the end of january. which it did. 

and then i thought, i definitely do not want to see any valentine's day posts from her and that should have kept me away until the end of february but unfortunately i caved on groundhog day. she had posted very little on tumbler and nothing new on youtube which i thought was a bit odd since she had a lot more free time to do so. but i saw her christmas/sightseeing pics with the boyf and some posts about visiting friends all over the place and she was going to visit her sister down in the bible belt and maybe she would post more once she was done traversing the country but i didn't want to want to read them. 

i knew that eventually she would find a great job, which would make me super depressed about my shitty job and that eventually go pro bro would propose to her, which would make me super depressed about my shitty love life, and that all eight thousand of her friends would congradulate her on all of her success, which would make me depressed about not having any friends. 

and so on nine february i challenged myself to walk away again. if i could go thirty days without her i could go sixty. and so on and so forth until one day i wasn't even counting anymore. even though i still think about her at times when i'm lonely and i feel the need to imagine myself with her i still feel no desire to check in with her. i dont think i can disconnect forever cause i do want to know that she's happy in life and in love and i want to know what kind of career she's pursuing and whatnot. but i'm not in a hurry to know. perhaps i'll read her again whilst wrapping christmas presents two hundred twenty days from now. 

no, i dont think i'll ever stop thinking about her for good. but it usually takes crushing on a new girl to stop crushing on the last girl and i feel more confident than ever that this is the last final last crush ever, because god i just cannot handle any more of this ever. 

and so i have found other things with which to occupy my mind. perhaps i will share some of them here, despite the likelihood that they will bore the shit out of you. but it is too difficult for me to speak of anything personal. i had tried many times over the past four months to write about the death of my favorite aunt and also my brother from another mother moving out to the bay area. but every time i started to write i couldnt bring myself to finish. too easily distracted by work and screaming shouting fighting children. and i had been away from writing for so long that i couldnt write it the way i wanted to and so i just gave up. i do that a lot. its easier. 

even giving up my crush is easier. or at least its easier than i thought it would be a hundred days ago. 


1 comment:

  1. Giving her up is an important step, I think. No good can come of this infatuation.

    I feel like you're still wallowing in unhappiness at what life has given you, but not making any steps to get out of said wallowing. At the same time, though, I can't tell you how to live or fix your life. Changing out of this mindset is frigging hard (I know, I've been there too). Make a list of everything that currently makes you unhappy. Make a list of realistic things that you want. Compare and contrast. Start making changes. Avoid stagnation, because stagnation leads to rot, and rot spreads extremely fast. <3