Wednesday, May 25, 2016

silly things that saved my sorry little life. part one.

around this time last year i was sinking deeper into depression to depths i had not reached since my teen years. my aunt was dying and my best friend was moving away and family life was a shitstorm and i hated my job. i was getting old fast and i had fought hard to make some small changes in my life but the resistance was just too fierce. i knew that defeat was inevitable and so i gave in. i shut myself off and stopped writing stopped blogging stopped trying to be healthy or happy or alive. i just stopped trying. 

previous to this grande defeat there would be brief flickering moments where i would get the gumption to address my issues, for my kids or whatever, and i'd say that i'm tired of being miserable. 
and my favorite girl in the whole wide world was a major influence on me because she had been through a lot of this and fought for her joy and got the help that she needed. she saw doctors and ate healthy and worked out and all of that crap which i hear is good for defeating depression but here's the thing all that shit costs money. and i dont have two wealthy and loving parents and i dont have my whole life ahead of me and i'm not young and attractive and i dont have thousands of friends and a social media network support system and i dont have her.

even if i had the money to see a shrink and fix my brain and join a gym and stop destroying my body those things arnott going to make my life any better. happy pills arnott going to make me younger or bring my aunt back or give me a do-over on any of the myriad mistakes i've made over the course of my life that have boxed me into this corner. having a fit healthy body will not bring me love or joy or professional success or bring me closer to my family. most of that stuff is just out of my control. c'est la vie.

depression has sorta been a constant condition for me over the past few years or so, and probably for about sixty to seventy percent of my life if i'm being honest. but i never fully embraced it infact i probably did my best to disavow it when i was younger. big mistake. now i'm old and my life is all that its going to be and i just dont care anymore. so i actually talked about it and used it and identified with it. i realized that there was little to be done about my perpetual state of unhappiness and i could either end my life or accept it. 

and so i slept and sulked and made my world smaller and smaller and tried to just get through each day as painlessly as possible. i decided not to bother anyone with my problems because i just felt myself repeating myself and what good would it do anyway. but it appears that the dark clouds are starting to break apart because i'm actually blogging again and until recently i wasn't able to find the time or energy to write and i have a lot more to say about all of this but i want to shift my focus to something positive for a bit.

there are some things that brought me just enough joy to keep my mind off of how awful this world is and how pathetic my life has been and i'll share some here. i might do another post with some more important things that 
kept me from contemplating and/or attempting suicide, like my family and whatnot, but i'm not quite ready to be serious about it. these are in no particular order:

pink sheep videos

i try not to spend too much time on youtube because thats how i ended up crushing on my crush crush crush but sometimes i will watch john oliver because i dont get hbo and the only people i know who get hbo are very conservative and i dont feel like explaining myself to them although the worst of them did come into the den one day when i was watching john oliver and he was talking about transgender issues and thank god she only ducked her head in to say hi cause there would be no explaination for that one. so really just john oilver and occasionally bill maher though i dont really like him much. i used to watch vlogbrothers but i've not been into y.a. for quite a while and i'm not sure why. what was i saying? 

oh right pink sheep. hmm how to explain pink sheep... well pink sheep are like the rarest of the rare mobs in minecraft and there are dudes online who make awesome minecraft customs and videos and whatnot and one of the most popular characters is the pink sheep who is like this dope pranksta gangsta with a well trimmed mustache who talks in a text-to-speech autobot voice and has adventures and i dont know its just funny. observe:

i used to watch these with my girls until they discovered shopkins videos. now the only channel they watch is CookieswirlC. that chicha is practically raising my kids at this point. 


for years i have been looking for a decent simcity substitute because i grew up on simcity and never got tired of the franchise and then a few years ago they got lame as fuck and i stopped buying them. and i cant play the old ones because my new computer is too advanced for them. 

andso one day the girls were playing littelest pet shop or one of their other free app games and i saw and add for township and i had to have it. whereas simcity is more about building infrastructure roads and utilities and zoning certain types of buildings in certain areas to increase population, in township you can put stuff wherever you want and you dont have to worry about utilities. you just have to grow crops and fill townspeoples orders and then you get rewarded with buildings which automatically increase population. 

yes i finally got suckered into the world of freemium gaming and got my first app. i'm proud of the fact that i held out this long and have not spent an actual real life cent on it. i am not proud of the fact that i fight for tablet time with my kidlets so's i can gather my products and send my cute copter pilot off to deliver them. it's a fun, mindless little thing that relieves stress and gives me something to look forward to after work. 

[apparently there is a simcity app which popped up while i was playing township just now...perhaps i'll look into it later.] 

card collecting

i have always been a sports card collector as you know but its been about eight or ten years since i've had enough money to collect the way i want to. but when my aunt died she left behind an insane amount of money and left my mom in charge of all her finances. and so mom handed me a check with more than two zeroes on it and told me to have fun with it because that's what my aunt would have wanted. we paid bills and went to ikea and i bought mom a nice meal... and i spent a few hundred bucks on cards. 

incase you care (and i know you do) psa is an appraisor and i used to have a membership there but its expensive and i had to let it lapse. you have to pay a hundred plus for a one year membership and then if you want cards appraised (they are graded on a 1-10 scale) you have to pay an additional fee per card. i renewed my membership earlier this year and bought a bunch of vintage baseball on ebay because i love buying vintage and having them graded is a lot of fun for me but mostly it is an investment in my kids future. lets face it i'm never going to make any decent money working since i'm already thirtyfive and i am part time with zero benefits but if i stockpile enough valuable cards while i'm alive i can have fun buying and selling until the girls are ready for college and then i can bequeath them in my will cash them all in to pay for their insanely high tuition. 

comc is a consigment warehouse which is a lot more specialized and convenient than ebay. you can send all your cards there and they scan/list each (for a fee of course) and all you have to do is set the price you want. if someone meets your price you sell the card. if not, it sits there collecting dust and eventually you have to pay storage fees. the cool thing about comc is you can buy cards on the site and then 'flip' them for a profit. also when sellers put their collection on sale you can get lots of great stuff at great prices and your order is always three dollars to ship. i am seriously addicted to this site and there were at least half a dozen times in the past year where i was having a really bad day and then i put twenty bucks in my comc account and immediately felt better. retail therapy is legit. 

upper deck e-pack is a waste of money. seriously. you have to pay a dollar more for a 'pack' then you would in a store, and you dont even get the cards in your hand unless you pull a special insert and because of the volume of cards added through e-pack every card has been seriously devalued and you can just pick the cards you want on comc or anywhere outside of e-pack and spend a lot less. 

so why do i love it? because you can open a 'daily free pack' of three cards, accumulate ten of each card to upgrade to a 'foil' card and transfer it to comc for the low low price of twentyfive cents shipping. so basically in the course of a month you get ninety fake cards, which you can trade with other users to get ten copies of nine different cards and combine them into foil cards which you can keep. i'm one away from completing the devils team set.

part two tomorrow possibly



    for a minute there I thought you'd stopped blogging again.

    For HBO shows, is pretty good if you're willing to deal with going through a few pop ups before each episode.

    Have you ever watched the Yogscast guys on youtube? They're hysterical. I recommend the Besiege videos.

    Sometimes you need the mindless fun of those games. Have you played tripletown yet? To my shame, I admit I spent the $1.00 or whatever it was to buy unlimited play, and ye gods that was money well spent.

    Everyone needs a hobby. Whether it's card collecting or bird watching or My Little Pony collecting or gardening... whatever it is, a hobby is important.

    Idk what you health insurance situation is, but have you thought of seeing a psychiatrist? It might be worth your while to try an antidepressant if you're still depressed. I'd be dead without the zoloft. I pay $40 every other month for the copay and a month supply of the drugs is like $3.00.

    1. Sorry this too me so long. I'd been working on it for about a week and realized i had to split it into (at least) two posts. It might take me a few more days for the next one but I will keep blogging. I swear!

      tbh I'm not sure what my health insurance situation is, either...i'm not sure if i have any but i havent used it yet thank god. i see youre having a hard time with yours. ugh...what a scam! :/

  2. hey chris. just wanted to say hi and let you know i am reading. though i don't always know exactly what to say, i always hope for your happiness. it's good to hear that the clouds are parting for you. i use youtube for yoga because i am also too broke to go to a fancy studio. just thought i'd share :)

    1. hey there! i'm glad you're still around - though i wish you would write more! thank you for reading & commenting & hoping for my happiness. i hope that life is treating you well :)