Saturday, July 9, 2016

a melancholy saturday






I wonder how different my life would be
if five months ago today
I decided to quit drinking soda
or energy drinks
or eating junk food
or card collecting
or my job


Would I be fitter, happier, more productive
if I had given up something 
more tangible, more meaningful
than following my favorite girl?


It's a silly, stupid promise to myself
but I've managed to make it this far
and I don't feel the urge to go back

to her blog
or her Tumblr
or her Instagram

or her YouTube channel



         but I miss her





I don't take care of myself
I don't work out
or eat healthy
or see a doctor
or address my issues
or make friends

or use social media
or put my faith in God
or fight for my joy

like she does


Nothing has changed in five months
I'm still miserable

still working at the same job
still drinking too much
still eating too much

still spending too much
still sleeping too much


but these days
there is an emptiness 

in my heart
and in my mind
a void
that only reveals itself 
when i try to sleep



i used to dream
of being 
younger
and healthy 
and happy
and successful
and hers



now i stare into the darkness
begging my brain to conjure her

just for a moment
until I fall asleep


    but I can't anymore







~



8 comments:

  1. Time to start playing Pokemon Go

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG...where have you been? Good to see you again.

      Delete
    2. Oops, this posted twice! My bad. I've been getting grimy and weird working at home depot and riding some kind of strange life cycle roller coaster.

      Delete
    3. Oops, this posted twice! My bad. I've been getting grimy and weird working at home depot and riding some kind of strange life cycle roller coaster.

      Delete
  2. Time to start playing Pokemon Go

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah I've hard how crazy popular it is right now. But Pokemon was never my thing, even when I was a teen. I'm sure adults can enjoy it (its like Geocaching, right?) but I dont do apps or smartphones or social media...anymore.

      Delete
    2. IDK if it's like geocaching coz I've never done it, but it doesn't require social media, just your phone and your willingness to wander all over the fucking place to catch and hatch them. It's basically just an exercise app in disguise as a game lol

      Delete
    3. IDK if it's like geocaching coz I've never done it, but it doesn't require social media, just your phone and your willingness to wander all over the fucking place to catch and hatch them. It's basically just an exercise app in disguise as a game lol

      Delete