Wednesday, August 3, 2016

My Last Post Ever*

*about my favorite girl.

Six months ago I set out to stop subjecting myself to things that bring me temporary joy but are hazardous to my long-term health. I wasn't ready to give up watching hockey or drinking soda, but I thought that if I could quit crushing on MFG (her real name rhymes with this classic rock song) perhaps it would set a positive precedent.

My will power held for quite a while - roughly 1/6th of the time I've crushed on her. In those six months I relaunched my blog, I spent more time with family, I played more video games, and I spent way too much time and money on sports cards.

I did everything I could to flood her out of my mind. 
But I knew the levee wouldn't hold forever. 


I often wondered how life was treating her. Random things would remind me of her, like when I'd see ads for Graze because that's exactly the kind of thing she'd sample and discuss on her blog/vlog.

I thought of her every time there was a mass shooting or terrorist attack (which is to say, every day and twice on Sundays). After the Paris attack, she posted a picture of herself as a little girl, wrote of her trip there, and lamented that "This world is not what it was intended to be and every day I become more and more aware of that."

Those words stuck with me as much as anything she's ever posted; I began to daydream of a more peaceful world, populated only with pure-hearted people like her, and I wondered how my outlook on life would be different if she were here with me.

Every night the cracks would expand - mainly from a lack of affection, intimacy, and physical contact in my home life. I couldn't sleep. Ever. I ran the same dream sequences on repeat. Her face started to fade from my memory. Yet somehow, I held myself back from her blog.

Some days the only thing that stopped me from breaking the streak was the streak itself. You've held out for 120+ days. Don't give up now. Don't go back to zero.

Returning to her blogs would only remind me of all of the failures and mistakes I've made. Short-term pleasure, long-term pain. 
The whole thing was just stupid. Why did I have to feel so strongly about this girl simply from reading her '"About Me" page? Why did I have to put her on a pedestal like I always do with girls I like (I even got called out for it by one such girl - in high schoolWhen will I get over this childish infatuation? When will I pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on?

If I didn't crush on her so hard perhaps we could have been friends or at least occasionally communicated through social media like normal people. But I have never been normal. If I was, I would have no need for such a crush because I'd be in a mutually satisfying relationship.

I'm self-aware enough to know all of this... but I can't just forget she exists, no matter how inconsequential and utterly useless such knowledge might be. This isn't Eternal Sunshine

Perhaps the only way to end this madness would be to go back to her blogs. Perhaps I'd see something there that would be such a major turn-off that I'd be 'cured' from crushing on her.
Is she engaged? Is she voting for Trump? It was a long shot, but I had to try.

And so this morning I woke up with nothing to look forward to and nothing else on my mind. I had no desire to read any more political news, and there's nothing interesting happening in sports until the Olympics get going. The dog days of summer are officially underway.

So I thought, fuck it. Let's get this over with.

I started by visiting her blog, home of the aforementioned "About Me" page that forever changed my perception of her from a random cute girl on YouTube to someone I instantly respected, admired, and desperately wanted to connect with. I was pleased to see that she had written something; her blog had become a ghost town, and it never seemed like anyone appreciated her long-form writing like I did. 

At one point she had decided to take a break from blogging (and YouTube) because she felt like it was isolating her and she wanted to focus on strengthening her real-life relationships. I have no real-life connections, I am always lonely, and blogging actually helps me feel less alone. 

She returned to blogging and social media because she felt God was calling her to help people out of darkness and depression and whatnot, which sounds like the girl I adore... except that same girl wasn't there for me when I took her up on that (bad timing), and I immediately felt like I was unworthy of her time. Rather than cutting my losses and letting go, I got upset and impatient and lashed out a bit (totally my fault, I projected all of my rejections on her.) 

I only had 20 minutes to absorb all I could before work, so I was only able to skim-read her posts. Then I skimmed through her Tumblr blog. She really did take a two month sabbatical from social media - which is like five years to a millennial. There was more on Instagram, but a lot of it was based around this new fitness plan she's doing, which seems to work well for her (but she's said that before.) She's done with heavy weight training and her workouts are more efficient and effective. 

And I gotta say she looks amazing. Definitely more fit and sculpted than I was expecting (not like Muscle Mom, but still.) She only posted a couple YouTube videos, and I half-watched one while spooning mouthfuls of sugar-laden Raisin Bran into my big fat face.

She was driving through L.A. with a friend, being her usual silly self, and they went to a gym. There was this Aussie trainer guy with them, and he was pointing to their muscles as they did some goofy-flexing poses, like Look at these guns, aye. Look at these buns, aye. Look at these abs, aye. 

[not embedding that, sry.]

And on that cue another guy enters the frame, lifting his shirt to reveal a bit of a round belly. Better than mine, but not exactly ripped. MFG plays along, running her hands over his belly like oh yeah look at them abs and I don't remember if she actually touched him or not but I couldn't imagine anyone who claims to have depression and anxiety issues doing such a thing to some random guy. But then I noticed an Insta pic of her meds and it made more sense. 

The cynic in me often rolls my eyes at taking antidepressants, like what's the point? My life won't change. But they work for her and that makes me happy.

this is what winning at life looks like

I've watched and read and followed this girl for three years. She's been a cover model for (at least) two different local bands, she's gained thousands of followers (and lost quite a few when she quit veganism), and one of her YouTube workouts was spotted by (who bestowed upon her some free swag.) 

I've seen her at her physical peak, when she was deadlifting close to 200 lb, and I've seen her worn down and defeated by her health issues. She was unable to work out for a whole semester, and "ballooned" to her highest weight - which I won't even post because it's laughably low. Still, even though I thought she looked beautiful when she was softer, curvier, and "fluffy" as she put it, I knew she worked hard to be fit and strong, and I knew how frustrated she must have felt whenever her illnesses impeded her progress. 

I read along as she struggled through school, health issues forcing her to take a semester off (which may have saved her life). I followed her blogs right up until her last semester, when she crammed a ton of high-credit classes into her busy schedule to make up for the lost time, and pondered what she was going to do with her life (and how to utilize her major.)

And when I first "met" her, I paid special attention to her personal life. I'll never forget her one Tumblr post about having all this love to give - but no one to give it to. She had been stood up for dates by more than one guy, and it frustrated her that men only seemed to show interest in her body. That sent my imagination into overdrive. 

Yeah, she's hot. She's beautiful AF. But there is so much more to this woman, and it's a damn shame that anyone in a position to get to know her as a person flat-out didn't care to. 

A few months later, she began dating a good guy, one that she had had her eye on since her freshman year. They just celebrated their two year anniversary.
2 years ago today, I had a 102 fever and this man was next to me watching Date Night.. Because when you can't actually go on one, just watch others do it. The day after he asked me to be his girlfriend, snotty nose and all. Love you boo thang
This also makes me happy. And a couple months ago she found a good job she actually enjoys.
er life is good. It's all fallen into place for her. 

Maybe that's all I needed to know. Maybe I just wanted to be certain that the world is treating her right because she's one of the good ones and she deserves all the happiness.

So My Favorite Girl's not engaged (yet?) but she and Go Pro Bro are still going strong. And if she does plan to vote for the Donald she sure as heck isn't bragging about it. 

And yeah, I found out some things that might fuel a few daydreams. But honestly, I'm... satisfied. I'm okay. I don't need another fix. I just needed to get all of this out of my system. Maybe now I can resist visiting her blogs. Maybe now I can stop wondering about her. 

Back to zero I guess. Such is life.

Next week I'll blog about more mature subject matter... like cartoons or something.

I promise I won't brood about this anymore. And I'll stop by your blogs soon. :-)



  1. I found this blogpost a surprising pleasure. Intriguing. I wondered if the woman was a figment of your imagination or a real life blogger. But it doesn't really matter - as a piece of creative writing it really drew me in. Thank you.

    1. Thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed this. I only wish I could fictionalize her. I've tried, but it just feels fake to me.

  2. This post is quite interesting. My first thought was that if you really knew her, you'd learn that she's not as wonderful as you think she is. No one is as wonderful as we think at first. I'm not as wonderful as some men have thought me to be. Then I started to think that writing the post helped you get her out of your system. Whatever it is, it's beautiful writing. You have a great talent.


    1. Thank you Janie, that means a lot coming from an author/editor like yourself :-) You're absolutely right; I really don't know her at all. That's the thing about social media - people tend to present themselves in the best possible light. She does make an effort to show her flaws, struggles, bad days, etc... and I think she does a better job of it than most. I won't let myself believe she's perfect, and I have firsthand knowledge that she doesn't always live up to people's expectations (she told me so directly) but I learned that lesson the hard way and now there's no going back.

      I have needed to write about this for some time, and I don't know any other way to let it out. I can't explain just how writing and releasing this enhanced my mood but I felt really good this morning, better than I have in a loong time.

  3. Love hurts
    You made that pain very real and very honest
    Thank you

  4. Thanks John. I'm so amazed at how well-received this post has been.

    I do feel like I love her. Some might say, "how can you love someone you've never met?" But how often do we say we love something, like a certain food or a certain song. Sports fans will say they "love" their team, or their favorite athlete, and moviegoers ave an actor or actress they "love".

    So maybe I "love" my favorite girl. But I prefer a word that's used far less frequently and perhaps more powerful. I adore her.

  5. "Six months ago I set out to stop subjecting myself to things that bring me temporary joy but are hazardous to my long-term health." aye, same as me. i'm... getting there. some day i'll be there!

    okay i opened that song and the intro is amazing so i think i'll just listen to it for a minute before i attempt to read this post. oh, it's one of "those" bands. i like them, and when i listen to the song, i love it, but it's not something i would for for some reason!

    wait, Graze is involved in the US? i thought it was just a UK thing.

    i really want to try a box of these buggers, but i think that i'll find out that they are deeply overrated.

    your writing is really good as most others have said. i just want to say this.

    i think that's what we do with things like this.

    i think that real life connections are sort of hard to get. i find that when i make friends with one person, i have a flood of people that want to be friends with me. i am a very reclusive person but once i like you, i rlly like you.

    i wish that i was more fit and sculpted than people expect. thankfully, i figured out that most people in my gym are... fluffy. actually people with actual muscle are very hard to come by round here. i... i do not have muscles. maybe one day, but getting muscles requires putting ON weight, which scares me to death.

    now i'm looking up the nutritional info for Raisin Bran. all i can say it's not exactly the worst breakfast choice in the world.

    i have no guns, or abs. buns maybe but they're a tad stodgy and soggy.

    antidepressants actually do help in a lot of cases. though in a lot of cases, they worsen things. they are extremely delicate and it's a potent thing to do. if you feel like you're trekking through mud, it really is something you should think of investing in.

    this post is REALLY well written. wow.

    comment reply:

    90F a "heat wave"? well, in our defence, our standards for "it's cold" is still laughably high.

    aye, i get what you mean with the teeth. you really should though. you know that you'd feel better knowing your teeth are clean (though yes, the experience isn't an experience i want to jump out and repeat again any time soon!).

    it's "breathe" for i can breathe.

    feel free to ramble at any time ;)

    -Sam Lupin

    1. Ah, there you are! I've been anxiously awaiting your comment ;-)

      "aye, same as me. i'm... getting there. some day i'll be there!" You're young Sam, you'll get it. I've really got to stop before its too late. I'm running out of time.

      "okay i opened that song and the intro is amazing" You mean Layla? I agree, love that opening riff. Clapton is incredible.

      "wait, Graze is involved in the US? i thought it was just a UK thing." yep, its arrived here. their commercials are on ten times a day.

      "your writing is really good as most others have said. i just want to say this./this post is REALLY well written. wow." Thanks so much! I've no idea what got into me. Guess it pays to know my subject matter. (the only other thing I care to research this intently is baseball)

      "i think that real life connections are sort of hard to get." sooo hard! especially after graduating high school or university. I've completely forgotten how to make friends.

      "people with actual muscle are very hard to come by round here. i... i do not have muscles. maybe one day, but getting muscles requires putting ON weight, which scares me to death." I've always had a hot and cold opinion of fitness/working out, which i cant even blog about cause there's too much to unpack. all I'll say is that 1) she had a major eating disorder for a while (sounds like you did as well?) and 2) California is a completely different animal.

      Taryn Southern did a video from muscle beach in Cali, and all these muscleheads are lifting and flexing in the background while she's sitting there in her bikini, chowing down on french fries and talking about how she hates exercise. So awesome.

      "i have no guns, or abs. buns maybe but they're a tad stodgy and soggy." same here, haha. i have to remind myself that 'dad bods' are normal.

      One last anecdote about MFG: way back when i first met her and she was getting buff, she posted about her dad's reaction to her progress. when she flexed her bicep he was all wow, great job! and when she showed off her abs he sorta shook his head dismissively, like women don't have abs, dear

      Other way around, dad. Supermodels have abs. But their arms and legs are like little twigs.

      Anyway...there I go rambling again. :D

  6. Postscript:

    Yesterday I read about a woman who was murdered while jogging in New York City. Investigation is still ongoing, but the woman was a fitness blogger and frequently showed off her fit, sculpted physique on Instagram. It appears that the killer saw her on social media and became obsessed, though that's just a theory from the comment section. That hit home for me, especially in light of this post.

    In my job as a collector, I've learned a number of different ways to search for and gain access to highly personal information. It freaks me out that this info is even available; I don't even like using it on debtors. If I wanted to, I could find out where MFG lives, where she shops, what gym she goes to... but I would never ever do that, even if I could get there.

    The thought that some asshole could use a woman's social media posts as a springboard to obsession and murder is frightening.

    I'm so relieved that you all enjoyed this post and understood what I meant it to be, because it could easily be interpreted a different way.

    I know that my favorite girl doesn't post on social media to show off or to be drooled over by creepy older men like me. I still cant fathom how powerful today's technology can be - and how dangerous it can be when used nefariously.

    The state of the world saddens me every day. I hope that God (and her boyfriend) can protect MFG from such deviants.

    Be safe, everyone.