Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Sleep on and dream of love. Because it's the closest you will get to love.

A while back I read something in a book I randomly thumbed through that said the reason why men instinctively pursue the most physically attractive women possible is because our physiology is programmed to create the most attractive offspring possible. This is why (younger) men aren't attracted to women over 60. 

First of all, wrong. And second.. my daughters are beautiful. I know everyone says that about their children, but my wife and I both had similar thoughts - how do we have such gorgeous little girls? We are not attractive people. 

The weather this week has been perfect - warm and sunny, with temps touching 80F here in NJ. My 7 year-old has the week off for Spring Break, and my 4 year-old isn't in school because we can't afford pre-K. I would love to take my daughters to the park and run around with them for an hour... but that's a lot easier said than done at the moment.

I could not sleep Sunday night, I woke up almost every hour. Usually stress, anxiety, and loneliness keep me awake. It could have been all three, plus the surge in temperatures.. and when my wife stays awake, the lights from the living room and/or kitchen shine through my bedroom door. And she was also up all night Sunday. Because she was sick. 

She doesn't usually work Mondays anyway, but she planned to so that she could give her father/our babysitter Thursday off. Instead she was on the couch all day, too weak from vomiting the night before. She's still recovering today. Friday is Good Friday and we're going to visit my mother in CT.. so it's possible that D will only work one day this week.  

I was home by 2:30pm yesterday, but I was so exhausted from my own lack of sleep that I couldn't take the girls outside for very long. My back locks up on me from sleeping on a worn-out mattress, lifting heavy bags of trash throughout my teen years, and decades of neglect. My joints ache from living the cubicle life (wifey thinks the Mountain Dew & Monster consumption contributes as well) and because I didn't sleep much on Sunday I was exhausted by 4pm Monday.

My children deserve better parents. Healthier parents. D seems to get stomach ailments every two months, likely because she had her gall bladder removed when we were dating. She was in such excruciating pain that my mom offered to drive her to the hospital. Somehow she toughed it out for another week. And that was when she was in her early 30's.

I never thought enough of myself to keep in shape. I didn't have any weight or health-related issues until I was in my mid 20's. When my first daughter was born, I managed to exercise while she was sleeping. I monitored my weight, and my diet. I actually gave a crap, because I had time to - and because life was better back then. That was before I went back to work, and before depression sucked away my motivation. 

I don't necessarily agree with the passage in the book I flipped through. This blog (and the one that preceded it, and the one that preceded that one) has been used mostly as a diary for my thoughts on women I find attractive, and why. 

Even if we're speaking strictly about physical appeal and not personality traits or intelligence, I still don't see an instinctive desire to spawn flawless-looking children as an explanation for my interest in Taryn (or Joy.) There's a reason why I'm not attracted to waifish looking supermodels, when they would be considered the most "beautiful" to a large segment of society.

When I cant sleep, I start to dig deeper into things like this. And I discovered that the common physical trait among the women I've found physically appealing is health.

Taryn is tall and slender and toned. Joy is small and curvy (sometimes) and has tight, defined muscles. Receptionist lady is 60, but her legs are 25. Pretty much every woman I've noticed since college has had a fit, healthy figure. And it's not so much how they achieve and maintain said figure or even what the specific results are. Aesthetics play a part, sure. But when I think of how often my wife and I fail (to keep up with) our children I'm not wishing for a woman with tight, defined abs. I'm wishing for a woman with energy


There's a picture I keep in my mind when I try to go to sleep, but I try not to look at it when I'm awake. Taryn posted it on her Instagram around Christmastime, when she was on vacation in Bora Bora. She's on a beach, chilling under the shade of a cabana, and her legs are stretched out in front of her. It's not a sexy pic or anything, as you can see. In fact the whole reason she posted it it was to show her fans/subscribers that her cat pajamas made the trip to paradise:

A post shared by Taryn Southern (@tarynsouthern) on

I've no idea how to make this smaller. I didn't even know how to embed IG pix until this.

Thinking of Taryn, in her brown tank top and pajama pants with cats on them, helps me sleep. I put my sound machine on 'beach' and close my eyes to the sound of waves crashing gently on the shore. I try to think of what it would be like to lie next to her on that beach, completely stress-free. Completely satisfied.

And then, like a record screech it hits me:  dude.. she was there with her boyfriend. 

And then I cant get it back. I can't relax. I can't sleep.  


And then I'm too tired to play with my girls the next day. And on and on.


1 comment:

  1. Interesting thoughts here, Chris. I read somewhere, a long time ago, something about both sexes being attracted to certain qualities that, whether by instinct or by cultural predisposition (in humans, at least), are considered more likely to ensure the survival of the species. So not really about producing attractive offspring, necessarily—although that might be a factor in terms of grading the gene pool, though it's kinda sad to think physical attractiveness ranks higher than brains or competence in that sense—but rather about certain characteristics that will contribute to the survival of the offspring... So females of some species might look for strength in males for protection during the time they'll be incapacitated while giving birth and the first days of the babies' lives, and some males may look for females with wide hips—easier births—and large mammary glands—more milk production to feed a larger litter. So your conclusion that it's health, rather than beauty per se, that you find attractive, and your reasoning behind that attraction, jives well with this.

    I'm glad I found your blog. (Found you via Andrew Leon's StrangePegs, by the way.) Always happy to connect with another 'rogue' blogger ;)

    Guilie @ Quiet Laughter